Last day of the working days of the 2nd week of the 1st month of the year 2005...sigh...why is that I can't think right these past few days most especially this week...I believed I have given up to God my everything and all...sigh... my job is getting so confusing and it really made me to feel - I don't want to go to work today again - ...oh noh! I don't want to feel that this is another passing day with this job. For sure I miss talking to the Aussie's and that I love talking to them but then why is that I don't feel happy in doing it anymore?... when I am doing it for almost a couple of years now? Did I already feel so fed up with these that I almost do the same routine almost everyday? Sigh, could somebody hear me out on this....
My supervisor talked to me about being absent for a couple of days...she advised me that I ruined the operation...sigh...on the very first place I am so vocal to them about my plans of moving out of the company and that I already made up my mind that sooner or later of this month I'll be filing my resignation....and now they are asking more of my time to be on the floor....I know for sure that I am one of the best agent that they got and I am the most versatile among the agents on the floor but I'm not playing hard to get so that they would be in struggle and made the operation in disarray....sigh...why should I do that in the first place?
I went to another company this morning (prior to the talk my supervisor and me have later this afternoon) to submit my resume' yet was then told that they will be ringing me for the interview...Oh God! Be upon me and let thy will prevail in anyway that I'll be doing...Lord, you know that I cannot do this without you on my side...I'm lifting this up to YOU.....
Went to the head office afterwards and done as quickly as possible the request elevated to me...I was about to proceed to my office when I met this person that I have been ignoring for the longest possible time (he is my officemate)....sigh....he offered me a ride going there and I cannot say no since he knew for the fact that I am going there....Oh no God! I know this man has been a very persistent suitor of mine since last year...sigh... I do not dislike him but I am not ready at all to have another relationship for the meantime...for sure I am totally healed when my fiancé' passed away just recently and that I already giving up dating.... ~I kissed dating goodbye.... On the way to the office I always engaged my self in conversing with him about this and that just to kill the in-between silence...LOL...I have been praying that there would be no traffic and that We could arrive the office ASAP .... Goodness grace he talked and always gave a hint about his intention of pursuing courting...I was laughing inside of me because I always win over him to steered away the conversation into a different topic which he didn't taken notice of..LOL…. thank you Lord that you made me so bubbly that I could handle this kind of conversation so well...LOL...I was indeed so glad at last we arrived...I gave a sigh of relief and advised that I need to go ahead...Oh God! not this man please spare me on this.....LOL...indeed a very ~Freaky Friday, HUH~.....
Dear God, it was not hidden from you what is inside of me that I already prayed and asked about this person.... SIGH ....... That I have learned to love this friend of mine in silence .... I cannot voice this out on him and I don't have the courage to and I have no plans at all .... sigh ...he has a girlfriend though...and he loved her so much...and both of them are so dear to me....I don't feel jealous about her and that is entirely so weird of me...because I know for a fact that I cannot just moved in the middle of them and I cannot win him over...so please Lord if this feeling was not from you and would do me no good and was not meant to be.. Please I'm begging you to please take this away from me and if we are meant to be Lord...let this stay and ~Patiently I'll Wait~ for that love inside of him for me to be awaken in due time...in Your time.... In Your Perfect Time ...
Thursday – Rizal Day – Friday early dawn of December 31, 2004
Entry - After a year and two months….
Let your name be praise and be adore…truly you are God..Oh my God, my living God…So merciful, so loving, so compassionate, and ever gracious God of Abrahan, Jacob and David. Let honor and praise be yours forever and ever. There is none like You. Lord thank you so much for everything..to my life, my family, relatives, friends and most of all to what I have become now after the storm…
It’s been awhile that my life is on struggle…struggle to go on and moving on..struggle to open up and giving up…struggle to trust people…struggle to surrender all that I needed to be lifted up to you oh Father…my hurts and pains…and most of all..struggle to pick up the broken pieces of me and my life back…Lord, I am so thankful that I have overcome all of these and these are made possible through grace, mercy and through your unfailing love….Your unfailing love covers me again….
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
For I have put my trust in you.
Show me that way I should go
For to you I lift up my soul.
Every thing is possible for him who believes..
With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible..
The last writing in this diary of mine was last year October 26, 2003 (Sunday)…and only now I come back again to continue all what happened …the trials was still so intense…the hurts and pains was still there carried over from what happned last year…my life long questions….the un-answered questions still there floating into my mind …looking and seaching for the answers…no solutions and nobody could help me up to solved this…Oh Lord, I’m begging you to please have these questions answered…sigh…Lord my heart cries out for ‘HELP’…..
1 I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
2 I pour out my complaint before him;
Before him I tell my trouble.
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
It is you who know my way…….
4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
No one cares for my life.
5 I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.”
6 Listen to my cry,
For I am in desperate need…….
Lord I cannot do this alone but with you on my side….I can do all things who strengthens me…..
After the death of Yani happened….It was not hidden from you O Lord on how much the pain and the sadness it brought me…I am not angry with you or to anybody…I am hurt not because of Yani left me but because on what He has left me…pain and sadness it enveloped my heart upon knowing things that has been hidden from me…..I have been faithful to him and looked to no one but him (Yani). Forgive me Lord that during the time when he is still alive..I seem not to notice you and that all my attention was fixed unto him. That I have loved him so much that I almost forgot you O Lord…forgive me…You as my first love….forgive me Lord…that I forgot the reason I live is to worship You…Oh my God please forgive me on this…
7 Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you. “seek his face!”
Your face, Lord I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Saviour.
Sadness fills my Christmas as well as my New Year of 2003 and I am so scared and so afraid on what is waiting to me for the next coming years,,,now that I am alone…now that Yani is not here anymore to support and guide me….Forgive me Lord that I never think of You…yet I continue to hope and pray…..hope and pray on the things that lies ahead of me….
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow…
God please forgive me not realizing that you’ll stay with me until my very last day in this earth…
Matt. 28: 20….and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age…
A brief sharing and highligths
Still in the year of 2003, November…my life continues to do it’s daily routine…I don’t feel that I am alive…as if I’m doing this because I am alive…I don’t feel life itself….I don’t feel that there is something good that will happen….but I never lose hope…though full of pain, sadness and questions I continue to live….but I don’t feel life itself into me….
2 May my prayer come before you,
turn you ear to my cry.
3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near to the grave
Before the month ended I was promoted to handle new project which is “Fedex Aunstralian Customer Service Calls”… was transferred to Makati in beginning of December 2004..I felt so sad leaving my batch mate behind…I can’t do anything but to obey….my job went well and in the 4th month of the following year ..I was awarded as the best Cs Rep “Irate Pacifier of the month”…I never asked nor dreamed of that..all I want to do is to work..and work ..and work well..I never knew all the way that my work would gain credits….Lord I know it is you who made all of this…Thank you….I paid no attention to it…my mind is still occupied on the answers that I’m longing to have…I am still searching on the answers that has been raised up a long time ago…Lord, I’m asking you why?? Why does he has to died? Why does things should happened this way? Why him? Why not other men who knew you not? And why me? Why me that has to feel this way and why not others who has done wicked things in front of you in the broad daylight?....WHY?.... I don’t get any answers and it really made me so frustrated…..still searching..and seraching…and why until now it is still hidden from me…..
1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
Do not ignore my plea;
2 Hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me
and I am distraught
Oh my God please forgive me on this…that I have become impatient..please forgive me…that I have to trust you more than any one else…still I wait….I wait..I wait….
1 Have mercy on me, O God.
According to your unfailing love;
According to your great compassion
Blot out my transgression.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgression,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only , have I sinned
And done what is evil in your sight,
So that you are proved right when you speak
And justified when you judge….
I have visited christians sites….I visited several of those to find confidiante’ to share things with and get advises from…about these things that bothering me…still I am a total failure to find one who could give me insights and answer to my lifelong questions…still I am struggling to find the answers…Oh my God, would you still be giving an answer for all of these???.......I’m crying this out Lord….please have mercy on me and hear my plea over this…..please send me an answer or a person whom you could use to pacify this longing of my heart…
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But longing fulfilled is a tree of life….
After a month..another promotion again has given to me…I was promoted to handle all the open communication of PH Cs Reps globally…as a Trace Agent a heavy task was loaded into my ordinary way of work and I thanked you God for that…that it’ll occupy my mind and will be a good source to forget things out of my head…O my God, until when will I wait for the answers??...why there are delays on it Lord??.....You blesses with with a lot of promotions yet it is not my heart longs for…my heart desires for the answers…why I still don’t have it with me? Why Lord? Why?....I left the questions for awhile and busied my self to my new work and again it gained me another promotion….“I am still young and unexperienced in a lot of ways yetYou did not failed to give me blessings…you did not failed to shower me knowledge and wisdom…You oh my God..prosper the works of my hands…..I did not ask for these Oh God..I didn’t…what I am asking are the answers to all the questions since last year and yet until now I still don’t have them…Why O Lord? Why there are delays? Why?
6 hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you ,
for you will answer me.
I was taken out from the floor which I I really love..talking to aussies is already part of my everyday life and right now I don’t think I could still go on with these…no answers for almost a year now and right now I feel like I’m being deprived of those answers…Oh my God..how long will I wait…How long are you going to hide your face from me…how long will I still hang on those answers to be reveled to me…How long Oh Lord? How long???...Sigh…..
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and hear my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
And put their trust in the Lord.
October of 2004 arrived..a friend which I never heard of for quite sometime wrote me..this friend is not the friend that I ever wanted to have…he’s quite haugthy when things comes across with God…he’s not a confidiante’ that I’ve been praying for to have…I often got rebuke from him and he often hurted me with his reasonings, answers and sayings..
Listen to advice and accept instruction,
And in the end you will be wise.
A rebuke impresses a man of discernment
More than a hundred lashes a fool.
Pride only breeds quarrel,
But wisdoms is found in those who take advice.
I don’t hated him but I totally disliked him…on his last letter…I am really hurt on his reply about my insights and as well about my country and with that I have no plans at all to replied to his letter or even to get in touch to him anymore…O God, touch the heart of this person who is claiming to be a followers of yours yet doesn’t care at all if he offended and hurted somebody. Oh please O God be upon him…..O God..the year almost ended yet until now I still don’t get any clear answers for my questions….Oh God..pleas do not delay….please not….I’ll wait…I’ll wait..I’ll wait..
5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
6 More than watchman
Wait for the morning,
More than watchman
Wait for the morning…
It’s almost seven months have passed that I haven’t logged in into my yahoo messenger and I really don’t know why all of a sudden I have to be onlinewith no particular reason at all…this friend saw me on-line and greeted me..it caused my eyebrows to raised and refused to answer him back but conviction crept into me and answered him back…I never knew that as days would passed by the answers that I’ve been searching and waiting would be revelaed to me using this friend of mine….I never knew…and for sure he , himself never know as well….God why through him? He that is on the other side of the earth…he that I don’t have any idea at all wha kind of a person he is…he that knew nothing about me….and most of all he that I really..really…really don’t like at all…Why him?
Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
But it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
I got no answer about why him? The best part of it is that you have used him to answer my life long questions right before my eyes….I thank you Lord for that..thank you so much…most of the happenings took place in the month of November and December of this year…My eyes has been opened on the real essence of being a “Christian” and the moment which I won’t forget and made another event of my life on the eve of the 17th of the 12th of year 2004….I am “Converted” on my faith…being a christian is not just merely being save but being converted as well…..not only that..having fellowship sharpens me even more into You Lord…
As iron sharpen s iron
so one man sharpens another…
Thank you so much for these Oh God…. Truly there is none like you…I have learned to open up as what the bible teaches in Provebs 28:13 He who concelas his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces then finds mercy….I have learned to surrender all that is needed of me as well as my plans in life..I have learned to trust you Oh my God..
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me
when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you declares the Lord….
A man’s steps are directed by the Lord
How then can anyone understand his own way?
The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life
Turning a man from the snares of death.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.
And now Lord I have learned to pick up the broken pieces of my life back…Lord, It’s you who carried me all over so that I could stand all of these….
He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds…
He is my loving God and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
For I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go
for to you I lift up my soul.
10 teach me to do you will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
O Lord, I say to you, “You are my God.”
Hear, O Lord, my cry for mercy.
O Sovereing Lord, my strong deliverer,
Who shields my head in the day of battle….
Oh Lord, I thank you so much! Truly I am blessed on all of these….truly you are my living God….forgive me oh Lord for doubting and for being impatient..forgive me oh God…Forgive me…now let me learn to obey and trust your with all my heart…let me quote the song of Don Moen from his album “I will sing”…
Oh my soul do you not know?
Have you not heard?
It’s been told from the beginning
The Lord your God
Is on your side.
Oh my soul
Don’t be afraid
Trust in the Lord
By His righteouness and power
He will strengthen
He will Guide
And I will soar
On wings like eagle
Held by the hand of God
I will run and not grow tired
When on His name I call
For the Lord is never weary
His ways are beyond my thoughts
I will trust in Him with all my heart
And I will wait upon His promise…
~Patienly I’ll wait~
I thought this would be another year of mourning, crying, sadness and loneliness but I was wrong..It is another year of new life..new hope…a year where my lifelong questions has been answered….that is so many answers that I can’t contain it….a year were I was healed and learned a great deal about life….a year where I met wonderful friends and begin to walk again into the path leadeth to life…indeed 2004 is a year where I left behind all my pains and sufferring and a year where I have overcome all of those trials with God on my side. I thank you Lord…I cannot do these without you in my life…Surely I have a better hope for the coming years ahead of me..though I do not know what lies ahead of me but I’m lifting it all up to you oh Lord…you who knew me full well….
1 O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You dicern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord…..
I’m lifting up my everything….Thank you so much Lord…you are forever in my life..you see me through the season…Praises, Honour and Glory be Yours forever and ever…. Amen…
The year of 2004 was solely dedicated to my sovereign Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ..who lifted me up in times of troubles, pains, trails and suffereings…to my family who are always there to support me in all areas of my life…to my cell group whom added meaning to my life…to my church mates who continously prayed for me…to my friends old and new whom I dearly cherished and the last but not the least to my spiritual brother..my only Manong whom I always got rebuke and teaching and whom God uses to answer all my life long questions….all of you are forever part of my life….Let me share my sincerest thanks and appreciation to all of you…Thank you so much. To God be the glory for all of these….and I’m praying that may He bless you just like what He has blesses me….
Just only this Saturday, I came to attend a birthday of a Christian friend from our cell group. There I came to meet some of her friends and family. I was so surprised and really amazed on how God worked into her family. Her family is the ideal family that I ever wanted and dreamed of. As I was there, observing the entire group making a little program for the birthday celebrant. I came to realized (I know it is God made me to realized) that I must put focus into my life…..I almost cried because I am a Christan yet I have no focus into my life…I know He has plans yet I always tried to deny or tried to run away from what He really wanted me to do. The celebration is actually an over-night celebration yet I did not stayed behind with the group…I went home in the middle of the morning with other Christian friend who drove me outside our village. I feel that there is a need for me to contemplate, stop and think and most of all to talk and pray, pray, pray, and seek Him evenmore…
I walked on way home and I really enjoyed the intimacy that I have with the Lord that morning…it stopped raining since last Friday that caused the moon as well as the stars graced the morning sky..it is indeed beautiful…God wanted me to fully surrender my life to Him...that is why I feel that there is still something missing into my life… I pray, read the bible, attend fellowship yet after all of these when I am alone there is still emptiness inside of me…just like after that wonderful fellowship I have with my Christian friends on my way home I feel that God wanted something out of me…something that needed to be done into my life…and then again here I am asking Him, God what is this that you wanted??…and you know what?? He started me to see what kind of a christian am I…I’m a Christian who grumbles, complains a lot..when problems came I started to worry and tried to do and resolved things on my way that I forgot that there is God that I could trust…just like the story of the house built on the sand ….I am that Christian…Lesson "I have to trust HIM!" Next I’m a Christian who always say that I wanted to be in the ministry and I wanted to serve Him…yet I am the first one who runs away and always wanted to find my way out letting my human nature prevail..just like the Story of Jonah…God revealed me that I am called by Him… I had plans for my life worked out on my own mind for years ahead, and it was not easy for me to see them change. But God has a way of getting His way! As the old song says, "He doesn’t make you go – He only makes you willing to go!" LOL again in this message ***God wants me to fully surrender my life in Him…lastly…He wanted me to wait and grow in Him, He is just == Waiting For a Time ==
Questions! Baffling, searing, soul-searching, heart-rending perplexities washed in endless tides over my every waking hour. But again God’s word: "Until the time that His word came; the word of the Lord tried him" (ps 105:19).
Now I see it! Lord, "until the Time….! There is a time! I am waiting for a time! "When The fullness of Time was come, God sent forth…." (Gal 4:4). With these thoughts, my spirit would soar in fresh hope and faith. But, with the passage of further years and further fears, my soul would again become disquieted..
Like sand slowly sifting its tiresome way through the time glass, it seemed my own life was ebbing by without a purpose and fulfillment. Deep down there was an awareness of a divine call, a divine commission and a divine purpose that must find its expression through this earthen vessel. But why the seemingly endless delay..??
It is because I am still holding on in this world...I am still guarded by my pride that I can do things on my way..It is because I let that desires of my human flesh prevail over His will..."The spirit is willing but the body is weak"...it is because "I have no focus in my life...it is because I tend not to listen to His voice of love and truth.....it is because I closes my eyes that He is God...able and almighty...it is because I did not trust Him fully.....
Now He made me realized all of those...I already reached our front gate yet I did not come inside to sleep ..I laid down to the bench where I could see the morning sky where the moon and the stars taking it's place back to let another day for the sun to shine...another day that I will do changed my life and let the hand of God take control of my life....
For sure He made me experience all those hurts in the past to make me realized how much I have been wrong in my every ways....and you know what? after He made me see what kind of a Christian I am....He flashed back again the family of my Christian friend....ei, that's my ideal family...what about it Lord???
I got no answer..... ano kaya yon??? but then whatever it is....~Patiently I'll Wait~
I have written this upon my conversation with my spiritual brother over the yahoo messenger...God used this brother of mine to opened up "the beauty of serving God and following Him" just like what is written in the book of 1Samuel 15:22…"Does the Lord delight in burn offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? "to Obey Is better that Sacrifice" and heed is better than the fat of rams.....