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Thursday, February 03, 2005
~ Am I DeTeRiORaTiNg? ~

Sigh…..Am  I  deteriorating??

   Oh noh! Can’t imagine what a day I have…Sigh..tsk, tsk, tsk….(long Sigh again)….it indeed sucks….really it is….My supervisor called me for a one on one…sigh…I did something wrong (it worries me)…and really shameful because I have been doing this job for quite sometime now and yet still resulted into some irregularities….I am the only one who got it for this week….it shocked her because she was not expecting that I will be the one behind it ..to think that there are a lotFrozen of new Reps on the floor…I myself never thought of that as well…but it happened…My supervisor which is a good friend of mine gave me a cold stare as if asking "What the Hell is Happening to you?"….I am indeed so ashamed to looked straight back at her…I have a lot of stupid things done especially this week….I am late, feeling so sad, not on my self lately….she asked me "Is there something bothering you?"….I just replied her shaking my head "NOTHING"…(deep inside of me The Spirit is shouting "Liar")…..She asked again, then why are you resulting in these kind of irregularities? I just kept my mouth shut don’t want to answer her again for another lie… I have seen in her eyes that she do not believed me on my answer…she gave me a sigh and a frown and continued on scanning the paper that contained the problem that I have resulted…she written down a note on it and hand it over to me saying.."I need your written explanation abut this pick up irregularities today…..

   Oh my God, it did shows didn’t it?….how long will this affect me…how long this will stay?…I don’t want this that’s for sure…and I did not ask for this….I don’t know what to do with my self….I have nobody to share this…and it really hurt me so much…all are kept on piling up inside of me…I cannot tell this to my mom, to my ate, to my other friends, to my cell group…I have nobody but You and this blog…I haven’t talk to anybody about this since then except Lizette through the letter that I have sent her. And I believed I haven’t put all what I am feeling and how I am suffering from these…because I don’t want to bother her…I don’t want this…sigh…..what will I do?…I am scared to trust and be hurt again….that is why I kept it insisde of me… I believed but it is really affecting and poisoning me….sob..sob..sob..I don’t know what to do..please pray for me…pray for me…pleaseeeeee….No

   I stared at the document (my supervisor has given me) for a long time and I am really feeling not right…like something needed to scaped out from my heart and I cannot even think of what is the best possible reason I could have that resulted to this. Sigh….but thank you Lord, that I have created a one sentence reason that is true enough to stand my irregularities….I hand it over to her and she told me this as my friend…."Tell me, perhaps I could help"…I cried for her concerned to me and told her that I still need to pray for it…and that she won’t understand me for what is happening …sigh…she insisted "Tell me I will try to understand you as a friend"….I shooked my head in disagreement saying "Don’t mind me, I can handle this.." then she stopped and walked away from me….I can’t stand to be on the floor and I am feeling that I am deteriorating and out of control about what I am feeling..indeed my emotions are so hard to handle….I’m on my way to the CR to relieved my self when I met another co-agent of mine giving a comment "Hey you really looked tired and stressed"… I just gave out a smile in reply…Oh God…I’m getting worst and really not in shape to work…

   "Nalulungkot akong masyado…..I am so down and in a heavy heart….My supervisor told me that she is greatly alarmed on what is happening to me right now…she suggest that I needed a break and to stop and un-wind for a while. I asked her to give me a vacation leave by next week because I believed I cannot continue like this anymore…I needed to go to Baguio to settle things out… she replied back she cannot give me any guarantee for next No week’s leave but will still have to work it out for other agent’s availability…sigh…I requested her that please not to prolong my suffering… 

   God, I’m lifting this up to you, please heal me..you know for a fact that I have nobody to cry on especially in these moment but only you. I have no capability of healing my self and that I am nothing and can do nothing without you in my life…let me praise you and sing to you my song…

In moments like this
I sing out a song
I sing out a love song to Jesus
In moments like this
I lift up my hand
I lift up my hands to the Lord
Singing I love you Lord
Singing I love you Lord
Singing I love you Lord
I love you…

    

Crying 1

      
              


Posted at Thursday, February 03, 2005 by Star-Tariray
LeT mE kNoW UR tHoUgHtS.......  

 
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
~ WhEN ALL sEEms FaLLinG APART ~

When all seems "Falling Apart"…….

will I be able to keep it all together???

   Health problems, family preasures, working ordeal, music ministry’s members are gone and worst my best friend whom the only one I could cry and lean on stop communicating to me….I am a capable person, but how I can survive on my own? Sigh…..anyone could offer me help??? Sad 

   It’s been awhile that I am so brave to face all of these trials..but will all of my courage collapse from the hurtful moment I have just been with and experiencing? He said on our last conversation Why I always ask questions? Why I have so many Why’s? Sigh… I myself don’t know why as well…LOL…I have been praying for what I am going into and I thank you Lord for such burdens…I know I can make it with You as my strength….and with You as my courage…

   My supervisor talked to me yesterday and told me that I acted so strange lately…as if I am living on my own world…living and not minding on my environment…my performance is failing and that it do me no good…. I my self asked it as well…she told me that I loss something during the past few days upon her close observation to me…I was not like the way I used to before …so bubly, always wear a smile, so noisy, so active, she said I loss my "Glow"…. I cannot hide it even from her….I admit it, I am greatly affected on what happened and that I am into prayer and fasting for a couple of days now…I’m praying to you oh Lord to please help me to stand up again and to fight, help me to be strong again, help me to go on and walk passed away all of these… help me Oh Lord….let me be healed for all of these….Heal me Oh Lord…. Help me in handling my emotions correctly….help me up Oh Lord… No 

   I kept on reading and did not stopped until I find (I believed God made me to find it) some comforting words and stories from the book of life which is my bible….I know for sure I am into a crisis and that God wants me to learn how to cope with the crisis….I came across the story of Joseph in Genesis 39:1-23…like the story goes as if justice has been denied yet God made Joseph triumphant in the end…with the story it gives me hope…..I also bumped into 2 Corinthians 1:1-11 that in moments like this "He will deliver us"…Sigh…hope has found it way within me…

   Dealing with my health as well occupies me until I remember the story of Jesus heals a long sickness written in John 5: 1-5…Oh God heal me physically, spiritually, emotionally,…heal my broken heart as what is written in Psalms 147:3 "For He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds"…then something flashed into me and made me remembered 2 Corinthians 12:10 "When I am weak, then I am strong….truly you are God…. Sickly 

   And Now dealing with my Family issues that the enemy greatly attacks me and made me fall down….like the story of Hagar and Sarah in Genesis 21:1-21..that even though how hard it is to deal with your family members God with still be there to support me in times of my needs like what He did to Hagar in the desert..sigh..truly you are God…you works wonderfully….and right now He is giving me peace to let him handle it in his way…in Ephisians 2:11-22 "He, himself is my peace"…..In Him we are chosen having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in confromity with the purpose of His will , in order that we who were first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory…

   The last which is very complicated from all of these burdens…Handling my Emotions….sigh…really indeed so hard to handle….yet it is God who will maketh this feelings totally erased in due time…in His time…I know for sure He maketh things right and that He let me feel this so that I will be prepared for the coming days of my life….He’ll replace for a friend of mine whom I will not be able to talk to..to share what I got from time to time…I indeeed have a lot of stories to tell him …My Kuwento ako…yet all are stored up to be shared someday, to someone, to be heard of somebody and to be given to anybody….sigh indeed you are God….you gave me reason to move on, step forward that I may be able to do better… Scared 2 

   I received a letter from Lizette a reply about my true feelings to my Manong , I praised God for you friend and that we will still be friends forever….I’ll always be here for you…

   **Met Myla last Friday and we did have the whole afternoon to chat about what’s the latest in us…where else? into our favorite hang out which is Wendy’s at Park square over our favorite french fries with tomato ketchup, Iced tea, Bacon musdroom melt burger and frosty….I missed this friend of mine so much..we did have a very good fellowship and that I am praying that she will accept the Lord just like Chinnie….hope maulit uli ito…sa uulitin….

   Last Saturday went to Chinnie’s boarding house and brought her dinner cooked by my mom…we did have a discussion about her new faith in the Lord and I praised God that you showered me knowledge and wisdom to answered all her questions with scriptural backbone from the bible…she said that I crampled down her Catholic belief through my explanations and insights from the bible…Praise God for that….we did have a lot of "Brain Storming" and guess what?..LOL..she wanted to replace her Catholic bible with King James version..LOL…after a little bible study wedid have a sharing that another crying moments happened again…she said that after she accepted the Lord she always prayed in every minute following the prayer pattern that I taught her…LOL…from that time on she also tagged her bible along with her everyday just like me…LOL…she followed me and I know it is God who made her to be just like that…I praised you Lord and that I am lifting up this friend of mine to you…she indeed a blessing to me… Smile 

   Now, after I have gathered all the answers I have to take it all, nibble on it and put it into action..sigh…I’ll be a performer again on the floor..God heal me and give me an-undivided heart…

Praise and honor be yours for-ever and ever…..Amen…  Angel 

 

 

 

 


Posted at Wednesday, February 02, 2005 by Star-Tariray
LeT mE kNoW UR tHoUgHtS.......  

 
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
~ cHeRIsHeD fRiENds ~

ChErIsHeD fRiEnDs



God must have known there would be times
We'd need a word of cheer
Someone to praise a truimph
or brush away a tear

He must have known we'd need to share
the joy of "Little things"
In order to appreciate
The happiness life brings

I think He knew our trouble hearts
Would sometimes throb with pain
At trials and misfortunes
Or some goals we can't attain

He knew we'd need the comfort
Of an undersatnding heart
To give us strength and courage
To make a fresh new start

He knew we'd need companionship
Unselfish...lasting...true
And so God answered the heart's great need
With Cherished Friends....
Like you....


I thank you Lord, for this wonderful friends that you have given me...indeed I am so blessed. They make me complete Oh Lord...truly you are God...I thank you so much for them and please bless them..Forever praise and glory are yours....Amen.... 
 
Roll 



Posted at Tuesday, February 01, 2005 by Star-Tariray
LeT mE kNoW UR tHoUgHtS.......  

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