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Wednesday, February 02, 2005
~ WhEN ALL sEEms FaLLinG APART ~

When all seems "Falling Apart"…….

will I be able to keep it all together???

   Health problems, family preasures, working ordeal, music ministry’s members are gone and worst my best friend whom the only one I could cry and lean on stop communicating to me….I am a capable person, but how I can survive on my own? Sigh…..anyone could offer me help??? Sad 

   It’s been awhile that I am so brave to face all of these trials..but will all of my courage collapse from the hurtful moment I have just been with and experiencing? He said on our last conversation Why I always ask questions? Why I have so many Why’s? Sigh… I myself don’t know why as well…LOL…I have been praying for what I am going into and I thank you Lord for such burdens…I know I can make it with You as my strength….and with You as my courage…

   My supervisor talked to me yesterday and told me that I acted so strange lately…as if I am living on my own world…living and not minding on my environment…my performance is failing and that it do me no good…. I my self asked it as well…she told me that I loss something during the past few days upon her close observation to me…I was not like the way I used to before …so bubly, always wear a smile, so noisy, so active, she said I loss my "Glow"…. I cannot hide it even from her….I admit it, I am greatly affected on what happened and that I am into prayer and fasting for a couple of days now…I’m praying to you oh Lord to please help me to stand up again and to fight, help me to be strong again, help me to go on and walk passed away all of these… help me Oh Lord….let me be healed for all of these….Heal me Oh Lord…. Help me in handling my emotions correctly….help me up Oh Lord… No 

   I kept on reading and did not stopped until I find (I believed God made me to find it) some comforting words and stories from the book of life which is my bible….I know for sure I am into a crisis and that God wants me to learn how to cope with the crisis….I came across the story of Joseph in Genesis 39:1-23…like the story goes as if justice has been denied yet God made Joseph triumphant in the end…with the story it gives me hope…..I also bumped into 2 Corinthians 1:1-11 that in moments like this "He will deliver us"…Sigh…hope has found it way within me…

   Dealing with my health as well occupies me until I remember the story of Jesus heals a long sickness written in John 5: 1-5…Oh God heal me physically, spiritually, emotionally,…heal my broken heart as what is written in Psalms 147:3 "For He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds"…then something flashed into me and made me remembered 2 Corinthians 12:10 "When I am weak, then I am strong….truly you are God…. Sickly 

   And Now dealing with my Family issues that the enemy greatly attacks me and made me fall down….like the story of Hagar and Sarah in Genesis 21:1-21..that even though how hard it is to deal with your family members God with still be there to support me in times of my needs like what He did to Hagar in the desert..sigh..truly you are God…you works wonderfully….and right now He is giving me peace to let him handle it in his way…in Ephisians 2:11-22 "He, himself is my peace"…..In Him we are chosen having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in confromity with the purpose of His will , in order that we who were first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory…

   The last which is very complicated from all of these burdens…Handling my Emotions….sigh…really indeed so hard to handle….yet it is God who will maketh this feelings totally erased in due time…in His time…I know for sure He maketh things right and that He let me feel this so that I will be prepared for the coming days of my life….He’ll replace for a friend of mine whom I will not be able to talk to..to share what I got from time to time…I indeeed have a lot of stories to tell him …My Kuwento ako…yet all are stored up to be shared someday, to someone, to be heard of somebody and to be given to anybody….sigh indeed you are God….you gave me reason to move on, step forward that I may be able to do better… Scared 2 

   I received a letter from Lizette a reply about my true feelings to my Manong , I praised God for you friend and that we will still be friends forever….I’ll always be here for you…

   **Met Myla last Friday and we did have the whole afternoon to chat about what’s the latest in us…where else? into our favorite hang out which is Wendy’s at Park square over our favorite french fries with tomato ketchup, Iced tea, Bacon musdroom melt burger and frosty….I missed this friend of mine so much..we did have a very good fellowship and that I am praying that she will accept the Lord just like Chinnie….hope maulit uli ito…sa uulitin….

   Last Saturday went to Chinnie’s boarding house and brought her dinner cooked by my mom…we did have a discussion about her new faith in the Lord and I praised God that you showered me knowledge and wisdom to answered all her questions with scriptural backbone from the bible…she said that I crampled down her Catholic belief through my explanations and insights from the bible…Praise God for that….we did have a lot of "Brain Storming" and guess what?..LOL..she wanted to replace her Catholic bible with King James version..LOL…after a little bible study wedid have a sharing that another crying moments happened again…she said that after she accepted the Lord she always prayed in every minute following the prayer pattern that I taught her…LOL…from that time on she also tagged her bible along with her everyday just like me…LOL…she followed me and I know it is God who made her to be just like that…I praised you Lord and that I am lifting up this friend of mine to you…she indeed a blessing to me… Smile 

   Now, after I have gathered all the answers I have to take it all, nibble on it and put it into action..sigh…I’ll be a performer again on the floor..God heal me and give me an-undivided heart…

Praise and honor be yours for-ever and ever…..Amen…  Angel 

 

 

 

 

Posted at Wednesday, February 02, 2005 by Star-Tariray
LeT mE kNoW UR tHoUgHtS.......  

 
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
~ cHeRIsHeD fRiENds ~

ChErIsHeD fRiEnDs



God must have known there would be times
We'd need a word of cheer
Someone to praise a truimph
or brush away a tear

He must have known we'd need to share
the joy of "Little things"
In order to appreciate
The happiness life brings

I think He knew our trouble hearts
Would sometimes throb with pain
At trials and misfortunes
Or some goals we can't attain

He knew we'd need the comfort
Of an undersatnding heart
To give us strength and courage
To make a fresh new start

He knew we'd need companionship
Unselfish...lasting...true
And so God answered the heart's great need
With Cherished Friends....
Like you....


I thank you Lord, for this wonderful friends that you have given me...indeed I am so blessed. They make me complete Oh Lord...truly you are God...I thank you so much for them and please bless them..Forever praise and glory are yours....Amen.... 
 
Roll 


Posted at Tuesday, February 01, 2005 by Star-Tariray
LeT mE kNoW UR tHoUgHtS.......  

 
Friday, January 28, 2005
~.....GooDBye.....~

.....sigh.........Goodbye........sigh....


                                                                                                               

        Crying 1 


   Last night was the night where I never dreamed of to happened……the night where I am so scared to happened and the night where I have to take a stand and be honest to myself for my true feelings for this person.…Pain and fear of losing him enveloped me…sigh…tears welled up my eyes from the start to the end of my conversation to this special friend of mine. Oh God, you know how much I have come to love him….and I have learned to love him in silence…and now I know that it is you Lord that broke the silence inside of me to be courageous and be brutally honest to tell it to him…

 

   It is indeed the most humiliating, degrading and really un-acceptable thing that I have done into my life…sigh…thank you for the courage Lord…without you I never have done it…that as much a I denied it and hide it, the more it shows in me….this is in connection of my argument with a Friend last Friday night. Indeed she knew from the start that I’m falling in-love with my best friend that I have kept and I have tried to deny to my self that I did fall into him…for the possible longest time….all the while I never thought it would be like this…because I always told my self that “it can’t be, he is my friend”…but yes it is…that’s why I am confused about my feelings into this friend…sigh….Lord I have lifted this up to you and that it is the cry of my heart for the moment that “every encounter that I have  for this friend strengthened the suspicion that I might falling in-love with him. How did one pour out @ God’s feet “The Treasure Store” of one’s love? Oh God…here am I again…asking you why??? Oh why? But let me stop for a while and that let me not asked you why…why I have so much questions? Why is that I have so many Why’s? Why should I be asking? And why should I have to feel and be hurt this way? Why? No answers…and I will not look for it anymore….

 

   Yesterday was a gloomy day for me…..I went to the doctor for an eye check up and I got unpleasant news. I have been diagnosed for Eye Ulcer in the stage of blurriness and if will be disregard too long could lead into permanent blindness….the doctor was quite strict on me about my situation and that it made me don’t feel right at all. He advised me that I am right now into observation for operation today if the problem did not reacted to the medicine that was been dropped into my eyes. Indeed it was painful and made me think what I did to my previous days to have this. The Ulcer could be formed in just a span of an hour and that could affect my eyes in the soonest possible time. It is indeed quite big enough that is so visible upon looking into my eyes. I cried and prayed hard yesterday….my friend’s face flashed into my mind. My spiritual brother, I asked God to please have Him on-line so that I could talked and asked him to pray for me…God is indeed so good that I have seen him on-line…I confide to him and that leaded the conversation for me to open up the things that bothers me since last week…

 

Star: the other day | was asking to Him why things happened like these. and I got reason..pero why right now...I felt so troubled and so sad...

Star: I kept on examining my self if I have done wrong into my neighbor and to Him...

Star: and I really can't think of something...

 somar79126: how bout Job?

somar79126: did he do anything wrong to any of his neighbors or to God?

Star: I remember none...

Star: would this be a test???

Star: just like him...

somar79126: that's not for me to answer, but I counsel you to seek HIM and Praise Him while you are in this time of seeming darkness.

Star: I'm praising Him right now and also crying and asking for His forgiveness...even though I looked so stupid here....

Star: I just don't know what to do...

somar79126: like my friend's Dad said a long time ago that stuck with me, "Look for the gold nuggets while being in the dark caves."

somar79126: and I know from experience in dark times that those gold nuggets are precious!

Star: just a sec I remember something that made me feel so bad and made me so sad...

Star: I'm quite relieved now and I came to remember something that happened to me the other week that I need to ask forgiveness

Star: to God...

somar79126: care to share?

Star: you don't have to ask kasi the Holy Spirit is prompting me to share it to you...

Star: ahhhmmmm....I really don't know where to start at all...

Star: but let me begin....

Star: I and Liz had an argument last Friday...I'm sorry...

Star: I'm really am...

somar79126: for what?

Star: for something so stupid...

Star: really so stupid...she said something that made me cry and until Monday I still carried it over in my work...

Star: it made my weekend so sad and so heavy...sighs...

somar79126: what did she say?

Star: I know manong I already forgiven her but I don't know...it troubles me so much...

Star: and something wrong so stupid arise inside of me....and please forgive me....

somar79126: I'm not on anyone's side her except the Lord's and give you what the Lord would have me to say.

Star: please do so...because I know I needed it...

somar79126: ...you've forgiven her, but it troubles you much? how can you still be troubled by it?...

Star: i don't know...I really don't know...

somar79126: and also does she know that she hurt you and that you were offended by whatever she said?

Star: yeah she knew because I rang her eh...

somar79126: did you gals talk it over?

Star: and told it to her...

Star: yup...

Star: but I still feel that it's not yet alright between the two of us...

somar79126: when I mean talk it over, I mean by you gals actually dealing with it and asking forgiveness with each other in sincerity, in truth, and in love?

Star: manong you know me....I as well asked forgiveness if in any ways I hurt and offended her...

Star: I don't know how to say it...

somar79126: say it how you said it.

Star: I just came to realized it last Friday lang...

Star: after what happened between us...

somar79126: who me and you?

Star: nope between me and her...

Star: I haven't seen you on-line last Friday...

somar79126: i know....so what did you say?

somar79126: umm hellooo...are you still there?

Star: yeah...I'm finding the right words on how to say it out..

somar79126: say what you said to her...those are the right words.

somar79126: I don't want you to sugarcoat it because you are saying it to me.

Star: nope...I won't sugar coat it...

Star: I have been brutally honest to you from the start...the thing is I just don't want to hurt somebody..

somar79126: you're not going to hurt me and if you do then I'll let you know.

Star: okay...

Star: let me just pray...

Star: I'm done...

somar79126: ok

 

 

   Dear God,

 

   This is the most hardest, saddest and very difficult part for me…. last Friday’s conversation opened something in me...it also awaken something that I have kept long ago and that something that I tried to avoid...God knows all of that...and just only last Friday I have come to realized all of it upon my conversation with her…. I hated it, and somehow this is really stupid, really, really stupid... and I myself cannot believed it as well...and could not forgive myself about it... sounds crazy and really humiliating and degrading and really unacceptable.... I'm falling in-love with my Best Friend. Sigh... and I know this isn't right... forgive me...don't worry I tell this to her as well.... I believed she has to know... Pls forgive me....I really do apologize... I just came to realized it when she told it to me last Friday... I know for sure it was indeed so long that I tried to deny it... the more it really shows (Prov. 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man)

 

   Oh God, it hurt so much and really so disheartened. Yet God I know for sure that this is for the common good and that you wanted me to be set free on this battle and struggle inside of me (Prov. 25:17 Seldom set put in your neighbors house, too much of you and he will hate you)….

 

   SIGH….I know we have to stopped communicating because it affected me so much and that it may lead into much deeper pain later on….I cried hard and really so sorry for what I have done but I believed God that you made this to happened and that for a reason….people come and go…nothing is permanent….only you… now I believed I learned to love somebody in the most cleanliest and purest possible way and thought that I could ever be…I never felt jealous which is so weird of me because I have come to love them both. I learned to not to be selfish because who am I to them…I did not envy her but indeed rejoices with her for she was so blessed to have my best friend…I learned to be kind and treated her fairly because I loved both of them, I learned to be even  more honest to the both of them for being so vocal on what my feelings are…what I am with the Lord did not delight on what I am feeling for him because it isn’t right, when both of them are on the rocks I am twice as times as troubled than the two of then…indeed when I heard of them in a not good condition my heart are breaking up…if they are happy I am 2x happier for them….could you ever believed that I am willing to do favor from both of them because I do cared so much to them?…and right now I believed with gladness that the love inside of me grows much stronger for the two of them…it did grows mature…LOL….thank you Lord for this love…and I know Lord you’re the one who gave me this…Thank you so much…. Now I have come to my favorite verse again…

 

1 Cor. 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….

 

   We bid our last good byes until the time comes that God will permit me met him again in His time …in His own perfect time…honestly speaking I felt sadness and longing for the fellowship I used to have with him…I cried all what I have in stored and I believed I released it all before I left the chair where I am sitting….yesterday is a another day of my life and today is another hope for me to look forward to…just like into my previous sharing …… “I don’t know what lies ahead of me for this year”…..I have no plans because I have given it all up to the Lord….life indeed is  full of surprises…..let me say my last farewell…Good bye….  Crying 2 

      

Posted at Friday, January 28, 2005 by Star-Tariray
LeT mE kNoW UR tHoUgHtS.......  

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